Just for now, this will be my journal. This apology. I am intending it to be short and sweet, very to the point. However, that seems to never be what happens to me. So prepare yourself for what will most likely be a long-winded explanation of something simple.

To give a main summary; I’m sorry to all the people I’ve annoyed, over the Internet or in real life. Now prepare for the unneeded justification.

I’ve located my main problem with talking over the Internet. When not faced with people in real life, I have the opportunity to think up a phrase before I say it. Revise whole paragraphs and extend my vocabulary. Say things that I would be too scared to say in real life. Over the Internet, there are no problems with your accent or pronunciation difficulties. If you don’t know what a word means, you can look it up and browse through a variety of synonyms until you find one that will make you look more intelligent. And now with leet, you don’t even have to worry about spelling, punctuation or grammar. In fact, if you want to show an emotion you can simply insert an animated picture. Of course, leet does have its downfalls. Mainly, a lot of people find it highly irritating.

Now, there are also downfalls to writing to people over the Internet. I have found, from experience of course, that the person on the receiving end of your note cannot generally understand whether you are being sarcastic, as your tone of voice cannot be heard unless you make it blindingly obvious. This is one of the most important things to consider when writing something. All too often I have let it slip my mind and had friends mad at me and call me a jerk.

Another thing to watch out for is seeming too pretentious. When no one from real life is there to confront you, you are almost anonymous, leaving you to create a new personality and show it off as much as you want. This self-importance complex is often abused, making it awkward in real life, and harder to make online friends. When combined with the sarcasm trait, this can be extremely deadly.

Ah, but I seem to be veering away from the point again, do I not?

Lets move on from how I sound in notes, to what I actually do. I would like to start this off by explaining my compulsive lying, using a lengthy comment I made on a poem ~dyrak wrote as the basis.

All this lying, this goddamned lying... It just gets you further and further into a hole. At the moment, and forever, my hole is pretty big. Lying is a part of my nature; I'm a compulsive liar. Saying things to spite people or make them happy without thought to the after effects or consequences. Once one lie has been put in place, the only things are to come clean, or to dig another lie to cover it up. I usually end up choosing the latter. Soon enough there's no way you can go back to being how you were before. Always, as you stated, putting on a disguise in order to keep yourself from further trouble, only to find you're making more of it.

Not much of it is about trust. A lot of it is simply the liar being too proud to back down and highlight which parts of their life have been real, and which parts are fantasies. Too goddamned stubborn to show other people that they are caring. It just ends up being a pathetic habit, one that's almost impossible to break.

And not all of it is about lying. There's a whole spectrum of lies. Some are just embellishments on things that have actually happened, ones that do not seem too important, but make the liar look 'cooler'. And that's what it's all about really. Looking cool and getting your own way. Some lies are serious life changing ones, and some are to get you out of trouble. There are hundreds more I could think of, but for now we've barely scratched the surface. I hope that made things more understandable... It was the clearest way I could put it.

So there are my typing and lying habits out of the way. Now to move on to friend issues, I do believe.

As mentioned in the above passages, I take on a different persona on the Internet. I can be whoever I want to be. This generally results on a switch to who is talking. A brilliant example of this is in my prose, [link] where it started off as a diary entry and ended with a much crueller side of me that few people have ever seen. That part of me is usually stored away somewhere deep inside my brain, and only let out to write angsty pieces of poetry or prose. However, more often that I would like, this part of me finds solace in the Internet.

Occasionally, this snarky part of what I am ashamed to call myself finds it’s way out. And for that, I am sorry to all my friends whom I have been mean to. I would like to say at this point that I am by no means implying I have Disassociative Identity Disorder, or multiple personalities. I’m not the type of person who would try to convince people of that. Sometimes I do things that I would like to blame on DID, but alas it is due to some or my more factual medical conditions.

To sum it up, I am sorry if this snarky persona has used you as the butt of its joke.

That may be the apology and unneeded excuse out of the way, but now comes the most important thing. What am I going to do about it? The answer isn’t easy. Most of all, I will need your help. If I say something that seems unnaturally horrible, please remind me kindly who I am talking to, instead of yelling at me. As for the lying… I will try my best. This is a harder habit to break, as I am a compulsive liar of the extreme kinds. It doesn’t help that I don’t open up to people very easily; leaving me with a lot of pent up negative energy that I just cant release. Maybe that is what has manifested itself into the horrible snarky voice you sometimes hear slip out.

I can’t stay like this forever, but it would help if I were allowed to feel emotions properly.

You want me to change, yeah? Become a better person? Well I will, no matter how many times you’ve heard that same promise. I don’t want to upset people, but things just don’t come out as I’d like them to.

Now, to finish every journal, you should put a little rant. Just so that readers can waste their otherwise dull existence listening to you being emo. People are fascinated by pessimistic views.

Right, you know who you are. Don’t worry, I’m not singling you out, this is a sweeping statement, and there are many of you. Please don’t spam me. It would be a whole lot nicer if you asked my motivations for saying or doing something, rather than assuming the worst and yelling at me. I know I’m not the nicest of people, but that doesn’t mean you have to stoop to my level. Keep to the high road, where you belong.

One more thing.

I’m an ego-obsessed freak, with a self-importance complex.

I like to play God, so if you’re nice, you can play my slaves.

Once again, all apologies for the misuse of any privilege I have been given. I’m a good person somewhere very deep down, really.